My experience of depression as a designer

Wearing a hat that can hardly see my face, holding a canvas bag with a pencil, a notebook and a bag of napkin, waiting for my partner. I was standing in the front door of outpatient department of Beijing Anding hospital, just like I did a thousands times before.However, this time, I was a interviewer, not a patient.

I lead my partner to the Depression clinic, pretending slightly that I was not familiar with the environment. We headed to the waiting area, there were like hundred of seats. “Let’s find our first interviewee!” she said. I scanned in the area, searching for someone who looked kind. In the corner, a young female holding a stack of test report, was reading carefully, with her hands shaking. I seemed to see me at that time. I moved over and sat to the seat behind her furtively, peeking at her test report, “ moderate depression” it said. I brainstormed for thousands kinds of opening in the few seconds. “Are you here to see depression, too? ”, “yeah…yeah, I just got my test paper. I don’t think I am that serious.” Her voice was urgent and tense, and her eyes kept blinking. I stated my depression history and the intention for the interview in short word. Surprisingly, she said yes, as I was assuming I would be rejected the whole afternoon. “Do you know why you got depression?” “I think it’s work pressure.” I realized that she was at a stage where she didn’t know herself yet. And she began to cry uncontrollably.The scene that I burst into tears in front ofthe desk of psychiatrist flashed back, I were just crying too hard to say a complete word and the doctor saw me indifferently, he must have met countlesspeople like me every day.

I pulled out the napkin in my bag and handed to her, I thought I could truly resonance with her at that moment. I felt a little bit of loss and reached her hand, “That is OK, I was been there. I am sure you can made it ”, how powerless my word were! At the later of the conversation, I asked some detailed questions like the relationship with parents and social condition. I leaved my number to her and asked her to contact me when she could not find someone to tell. I know how important and necessary it is to have a listener for depression patients.

I thought I took a fresh air for al ong time after interviewing her, all the bad emotion came back to me and I felt powerless since my words did not went in her and I wanted to give up. However, the sound in me kept calling me to do this.

1. My experience and motivation for depression museum

OK, It is time to say something about my story. The moment that I knew I was cured from depression was that I told my deepest secret and shame to my boyfriend for the first time, who hardly knew what I was going on. My inner-self coordinated with my appearance and I put no effort to hide myself. All the burden gone.

Although what I try to erase, are looming. Depression made me start to accept myself and understand what was important. A lot of feelings that I had neglected began to take root. I love languages, so I picked up French which I hadn’t learned in two years. I love dancing, so I joined a dance club, met a group of friends here; I love piano, so I once again wiped out the ashes of the piano cover, and said hi to the black and white keys; I love design, so I started building my own website and named the domain with the suffix ’life’.

It was more like a gift than a disaster, I can not image how bad I was if i had not experiencec this disease. When I was a child, I would possessively grabbed the book of other children, stared at her meanly and shouted “This is not yours!” ; I would selfishly sowed dissension between friends. Now, I’m placid. It was as if I had experienced all kinds of pain in an intense period of time, so I could feel in others’ shoes easily when I was in contact with others, because I have been there once.Jung said that life is the process of removing the shadow of the growth. Only when seeing the shadow can the sunshine became real for me. I became fascinated with my inner self, began to explore human nature, and began to change. I always use this hypothesis to describe what the experience gave me,

“If there were countless parallel universes and each world had a me, the present one, must be the best.”

I could not say I was more mature than peers. Empathy, tolerance, endurance and self- awareness, that are the good sides I got from depression. However, I also aware that there were qualities that others take for granted I need to deliberately learn and master. My parents got divorced finally after years of fighting and I did not have a close bound with my father, the insecurity was born with me. Subconsciously, I only cared about my own feelings and dared not speak in a firm tone in public. When I encountered problems, I always felt it was my fault and kept saying sorry to others. Although I heard a lot encouragement like “That is not all your fault ”, “You are brilliant, speak it out!” “You are not inferior than others”, It was hard to take a movement. I must thank to my aunt and uncle, who are kind to me unconditionally and treat me like their daughter. Gradually, I got my awareness and confidence, I can stand it out because I knew they were at my back, supporting me. Besides that, I should say thank you to my boyfriend who continuously tell me his feeling about a particular thing as a normal person that I can compare with myself.

Depression is not a single battle and that is the mainpoint of contradiction that I found in my research. Patients are shameful to share and surroundings are full of incorrect cognition. Depression has been demonized that no one can tell in public, it was described like a horrible and dangerous mental problem. No, it is was a physical illness just like caught and fever. The body lacks hormones to produce excitement and just take the medicine!

The reason I want to do depression museum was to let both patients and normal people to eliminate prejudice and recognize the illness in a correct way. Besides that, to give power to the patients to get through it and restart their life.

2. What I want to do as a designer

I am not the type of person that into making money very much, but I do love inspect consumers‘needs and provide something meaningful for their life, I discerned that when I went to FBIC2020 as a speaker. Our product is an energy ball designed for Chinese people as the flavors are more traditional in China in spite of western flavors like chocolate or coconut. we not only design food but also discover the opportunity in market, like how to making price,how to attract customer in the first place and how to attain them. I still have lots of thing to learn.

Besides of making a living, I think designer should also take some social responsibilities. Caring more about the meaning of the design rather than what I can have done.

I also have an long talk with the psychological counselor in our university, her view was new and from an new perspective. She told me a story of a psychological counselor who worked in prison and provided consulting for the condemned. After hearing their growth environment, childhood. suffering, the counselor said he had understood their crime and he would not do better than them if put he in the same circumstances.

We all the same, just some encountered misfortune and was not given enough support and power as they needed. Crimes are not born evil and others are not born noble. Actually, we do not have much differences in nature.

Experience are precious. Still, I have a long way to go. To be a good designer, I should be a good adult first. I am always on the road of perfecting myself. Beside that, I am grateful the pain I experienced gave me the quality to empathy, which i think is a definetly advantage for designer. I am always believe in that one can’t empathize with others without experience. People do not have exact painpoints but I could use my own experience to resonate with them. I use this article as a closure to the past and a start to new life, like it was said in friends, “life is sucks, but you gonna love it”.

3. My suggestion and FAQ toward depression

1. Physical or mental illness?

In general, depression is a mental illness. However, physics and mentality are indivisible.

Depressive emotion is short-term, only if one could not digest it and the negative mood accumulated for a long period, it will turn to depression at some point. Diagnosis of depression requires medical tests which has two parts, self-test and medical quantitativetest like brain CT, chest CT, blood test and eye tracking etc. Neurobiochemical changes in patients with depression include reduced levels of neurotransmitters in the brain such as serotonin, adrenaline anddopamine. And the common drugs like fluoxetine, paroxetine are all SSRI medications,means Selective Serotonin Retake Inhibitor. Those drugs work to stablize your mood and give your space to explore yourself.

Physiology and psychology are integrated, emotional changes are carried by neurotransmitters, and anatomy shows that the frontal lobe structure of the brain changes in patients with depression. Like you see, Determination and treatment are treated as physical diseases. Hence, when you got depression, It is just like catch a coldor fever, take the medicine and listen to the doctor’s advice！

2. Take medicine or not?

Like I said above, when you have physical illness, you should take medicine. Most of the patients who refused to take medicine are afraid of side effect or fear of addiction. All drugs have negative effects. The negative effect of depression are a little bit more strong for me, and it will take about one month to let the drug effect. In the one month, you probably will suffer more seriously which keep lots of patients away and think they will overcome it by their willpower, whic I think this thought will only drag you down. I am not refuting the possibility of self-cure,

However, I prefer to have drugs. The depression has 2 phase in general, periods of severity and stability. What the drug does is to help you pass the serious period during which you can not control of you emotion to a period of stability. In this phase, you have the space to breathe and self-introspect.

3. Attitude toward psychological consult

If conditions permited, I recommend seeking the help of a psychological counselor. The job of a psychological counselor is to explore your inner-self with you and give your unconditional support and acceptence. Of course, if you got involed in an intimate relationship，your partner can give you those I mentioned above, it will also works.

The key is not to find a psychological consultor but a great listener who words like an outlets of your emotion and gives you unconditional support.

4. What about relapse？

The recurrence rate of depression is high and I am also the one suffer from recurrence. Without realizing the seriousness of the problem, I stopped taking my medication without permission and stopped seeing my doctor regularly because Idid not think it was a big deal. When I first stopped taking my medicine, I started to have a headache and nausea but it went well later. Thing went great in the next year.

However, it stroke me again. When I went back to the doctor, she told me that it would take longer to take medicine after a relapse than before，maybe 3–5 years. She kept telling me not to stop this time. And I tell you from my bitter experience not to be likeme.

Btw, of course, the most important thing to avoid relapse is facing your shadow and deal with it.

5. How to fight against lack of spirit?

Many people suggest me to do sports which I think it is a nonsense. I could hardly get up from my bed and not to mention running! The only thing I can move is my eyeball. However, it a vicious circle. The less you exercise, the less you want to move.

1. Get involved in some group events like dance class，spinning class or gym class. Avoid doing sports on your own like running, swimming or doing deep squat in the corner of the gym by yourself.
2. Find an emotion outlets. Describe your despair or happiness to a reliable person，maybe your parents, boyfriend/girlfriend or friends. Tell them your condition. They don’t need to give your some specific opinions, just listening will work.When I feel bad, I turn to my best friend and speak it out, usually she did not care about me and just doing her things. But when I speak it out, half of my depression disappeared.

Finally, you should believe the power of yourself. Removing your stumbling block, the best self are waiting for you!